This morning, between catching up on whatever’s going on with the bizarre Sonic thread in the Rants & Raves section and shopping for creepy haunted dolls to torment my wife with, I stumbled upon this gem from a local poster somewhere on Broad Street.
Seeing as how I’m kind of a writer sometimes, I thought being this person’s ghostwriter would be a great opportunity to make a little extra money at the “competitive for the field” pay of one whole penny per word. Every 100 words is an entire dollar! A thousand words is $10! All I need to do is write something slightly longer than all the Game of Thrones books combined, and I might be able to buy a buggy full of stuff at the Dollar Tree.
Imma go for it!
But since writing here is my full time job, I thought it only fair that I make a post out of the experience. That way, I’m fulfilling my current job obligations while keeping an eye out for bigger, better things. Plus, all you good people get to benefit from my journey along this exciting new road of possibility.
YOU ARE WELCOME.
The post says to send in a 200 word writing sample on how to teach a puppy to stay, in order to see if I’m a good fit for the gig. I’m an overachiever though, so I’m sending in around 800 words – which is four times the required words. Also, if they accept my work and publish it as the world’s shortest eBook, I get eight bucks and can finally buy that bucket of Crisco I’ve had my eye on at Kroger.
Here’s what I sent in. Let me know what you guys think, and feel free to send in your own writing samples. Who knows, maybe we can get the entire city in on this deal and turn Lake Charles into a literary powerhouse of the 5,000 to 10,000 word eBook world.
I’ll let you guys know if I get the job. Cross your fingers for me!
How To Teach A Puppy To Stay
Puppies are adorable creatures, but if you’re not careful, they usually turn into really stupid dogs. But it doesn’t have to be this way!
If you can manage to teach your sweet, moronic puppy this one simple lesson, then it will instill in it a lifelong love of learning that might even lead to it figuring out how to fall asleep without first spinning in a counterclockwise circle 57 times.
Dare to dream!
First things first, though. So you got a new puppy – congratulations! I hope it was a rescue though, otherwise all your smug friends on Facebook are going to yell at you for being a heartless jerk who perpetuates puppy mills and the suffering of all God’s creatures or whatever. If it’s not a rescue, then just say it was when you post the first pics of your new fur baby. No one will really know, and if you feel bad about it, I guess you can always just tell yourself that you rescued it from a puppy mill. Seems legit.
Anyway, now you’ve got a puppy and it’s clumsy and awkward and adorable, but it also poops all over your grandma’s old rug you got in the inheritance because it was all that was left after your vicious cousin snatched up all the good china before you got there. It nibbles on everything, and you’re pretty sure it’s been peeing in the ficus. Something must be done!
Not to worry, I’ve got you covered.
All you need to do is teach the young pup to stay, and all the other problems will solve themselves. Guaranteed!
To do this, you need a few things. First, you’ll need a puppy – which we’ve already covered, so we’re good there. Next, you’ll need a mouth to shout words at it that it won’t understand but will make you feel better. After that, you’ll probably want to pick up some pet stain cleaner because dogs are filthy animals and you just got that new recliner from Rent-A-Center that you’re gonna miss the payment for this month because you just bought a puppy, so you want it to not be covered in dog pee whenever the repo men come to snatch it up.
Now, on to the training. We’ve got everything we need, so let’s get going.
First, take the puppy and put it somewhere it doesn’t want to be, like maybe anywhere its food bowl isn’t.
Second, make sure it can see its food bowl and gaze upon it longingly while you hold it firmly in place on the opposite side of the room. You’ll know this method is working when the puppy looks up at you with resentment in its eyes.
Third, let the puppy go. It should make a frantic run for the food bowl, but since it’s awkward and kind of stupid, it’ll probably trip over its own paws a few times as it makes a break for it. This is your opportunity to chase after it while screaming, “Stay!” over and over while it ignores you.
Once you catch the puppy, take it over to its food bowl and make it think you’re going to give it a bit of kibble. Then don’t, because it’s important for the puppy to realize you’re oppressing it because you’re the alpha dog and can do whatever the heck you want.
Take the puppy back to the opposite end of the room again, and repeat the process approximately eleventy-forever times, until your puppy finally gives up on life and just lays down on the floor in a defeated, furry lump of its former, happy self.
THIS IS PROGRESS.
Once this happens, you may now shout the word of your choice to indicate to the puppy that it is no longer required to stay put and contemplate whatever existential crisis it might have been considering while it was certain it would die from starvation before ever being allowed to get near its food again.
Popular phrases include, but are not limited to: “Okay!” or “Go!” or “Git” or even “Wooooooooo!” if it’s, say, the Fourth of July and you’re drunk. Be sure to wave a tiny flag when you shout, though. That’s important for the patriotism.
Once your dog realizes it has your permission to not starve, allow it to go to the food bowl and gorge itself on all the delicious, dry kibble it would never eat in the wild because it probably tastes like how old cardboard smells. But it’s vital that the puppy realizes it doesn’t live in the wild, and is entirely dependent upon you for food and protection. This will help crush its independent spirt and make it pretend to love you, just so it knows where its next meal is coming from.
And that’s pretty much all there is to it!
Just keep repeating these easy steps, and you’ll eventually break the puppy’s spirit enough to obey your every command.
Good job, you!