The 7 People Everyone In Louisiana Has On Their Friends List
Be honest. Everybody here in Louisiana has at least one of these people on their friends list, if not more. You might even be one of them.
This Facebooker is proud to live in Louisiana and they want everyone to know it. Their profile pic is a Fluer-de-lis. Their cover photo is a Fluer-de-lis. Every other picture they post is some piece of furniture or decoration with a Fluer-de-lis on it. They probably aren’t a native Louisianan, but they don’t want people to know, so they overcompensate by dropping a “geaux” every chance they get, like people new to Texas drop “y’all” bombs every five seconds. (And they almost always do it wrong.) If you happen to know them in real life, they'll probably expect you to wipe your feet on a Fluer-de-lis doormat when you visit. Then, there will be a bunch of Fluer-de-lis artwork up in their living room, where they’ll try to serve you chicory coffee and beignets while telling you all about how much they love Nawlens.
This Louisiana Facebook friend usually hangs out in local sales groups to stir up drama and talk about people like that lady with the obnoxious kid in the Walmart parking lot. You can recognize them by how their posts tend to read like they believe grammar is something that happens to other people. For example, here’s an actual post taken from one of these people on my friends list: "I called NAME WITHHELD about the job he posted but he wasn’t serios or if he was he was bating and switching with what he say he pays but don’t really becuse he don’t know how the world works. I don’t want know scams. I need a job that can afford me to earn real money, not pays me kid wagers or just hires me for my looks. If you have a legit job, I wanna here from you becuse NAME WITHHELD never learnt that you get what you for. Don’t yank people around and promise good wagers and then tell them you only want to pay minimal when they call becuse you don’t think nobody pretty can have a brain. Come on! I discorage everybody from doing business with NAME WITHHELD unless you ok with just being eye candy for no moeny."
I weep for the future.
These folks aren't entirely exclusive to Louisiana, but we seem to have more than our fair share here. You can recognize them by how they constantly share links to any number of conspiracy websites that warn you of the dangers of impending global thermonuclear war, the coming end times prophecies, the flat earth, or just to tell you all about how chemtrails exist to activate latent pathogens we all have in our bloodstreams thanks to that measles vaccination we all got as toddlers. It’s best to just let them rant and not confront them with facts, because sites like Snopes and Wikipedia ARE JUST PART OF THE SYSTEM, MAN. They tend to run the political spectrum, from liberals who worry about GMO corn and only buy free range everything, to conservatives who shout about FEMA death camps and like to cite Alex Jones as a valid source.
Just smile and nod whenever they get going, and never leave a comment on their posts. It's safer for everyone that way.
Similar to The Tinfoil Hat People, these Louisianan Facebookers don't buy into every conspiracy theory that comes along, but they do tend to worry about things like states' rights, Obama coming for their guns, or ISIS poisoning the water hole or whatever. They distrust everything about the government, hate every entitlement program they’re not on, and just generally despise everything about this country that wouldn’t fit nicely into the stirring montage of a Michael Bay movie. Their profile pictures often show them sporting a youth pastor goatee while wearing an American flag shirt in front of a bald eagle background and holding various accessories including, but not limited to: guns, Bibles, and/or pocket copies of the US Constitution.
Approach with caution.
This guy probably drives a huge, jacked-up truck that could cross the arctic tundra with ease, but that he mostly just drives around town to impress the ladies. He never seems to have a job, but he’s always posting pictures of places he’s at (usually bars), things he’s doing (usually drinking), and people he’s hanging out with (usually people who’ve been drinking with him at the bars). When he’s not out on the town, he’s chilling at home and posting status updates about how he’s working on his truck, or making plans to have everyone he met at the bar last night over for a party that will annoy all his neighbors who actually have to wake up early so they can go to work tomorrow. He doesn’t care, though. In fact, you might even spot some of his friends showing up at 7:30am with a case of Bud Light on a Tuesday morning while you’re getting in your car to head to the office.
A more restrained version of The Fleur-de-lis Everything person, this classic Louisianan can appear pretty normal for most of the year, but as soon as football season comes around, he transforms into a raging pigskin beast incapable of uttering a single sentence without screaming WHO DAT? at least 37 times in a row. He typically keeps a running commentary of every Saints game as it happens, often opening and closing each Facebook Quarterback status with the aforementioned WHO DAT?
Don't ever mention the Cowboys to this person. Seriously. I'm not even joking.
This guy streams Cajun Radio all day, knows the names of every single person who has ever picked up an accordion south of the Mason-Dixon line, and probably has a bar behind his house where he makes some of the best boudain and crawfish you’ve ever tasted. He can whip up a killer gumbo like other people make sandwiches, and he’ll probably be the nicest guy you’ll ever meet. You might not be able to understand a single word he says and his name will likely be entirely unpronounceable to non-cajuns, but that won’t matter when you’re kicking back with a cold beer, listening to some Zydeco music and munching on some kind of blackened something or other mystery meat that you can’t identify, but it tastes great, so you don’t want to ask too many questions.