The Comic Book Supervillains of Louisiana
Even if you don't like comic books, there's a supervillain on this list for everyone. From Senator Two-Face to Who Dat Brainiac, anyone from Louisiana will recognize more than a few of these superpowered ne'er-do-wells.
This villainous trickster promises to invest in infrastructure improvements and things like public education, but ends up spending most of his time posting selfies to his Facebook page in whichever one of his 57 cowboy hats is his favorite that day. Which, granted, really isn't all that much different from pretty much every politician ever, but hey. Cowboy hats!
MR. MARDI GRAS MXYZPTLK
Undoubtedly the most ridiculous supervillain ever, this fifth-dimensional imp has nearly unlimited power to screw up Mardi Gras by making you have to do things like observe open-container laws and work on Fat Tuesday. The monster.
One of the most powerful mutants in existence thanks to his psychic connection with unstoppable Amazonian forces, Retail Apocalypse has the unique ability to close down any retail store at will - especially if it’s inside a shopping mall, where his destructive powers are magnified by the waves of despair coming from the Food Court.
This highly-specific supervillain actually exerts his evil influence outside of Louisiana’s borders, where Gumbo is kept safe from the unholy machinations of yankee recipes through the sheer power of our homegrown cuisine. Focusing instead on spreading his cruel intent across the country, the Gumbo Goblin travels to every other state in the union to whisper insanities into the receptive ears of overeager “fusion style” chefs. “Why not add a little cilantro in there?” he’ll say. “It’ll be great. TRUST ME!”
MR. WAGE FREEZE
Probably the most hated, but surprisingly well known, supervillain on this list, Mr. Wage Freeze has been directly responsible for using his unique freezing ability to halt wage growth for Louisiana workers. However, in an odd twist, his powers seem completely ineffectual against Upper Management. Weird.
TAX RATE AL GHUL
In his efforts to purge the people of Louisiana of extra money for what he sees as frivolous luxuries like food and shelter, Tax Rate al Ghul uses the unique powers granted to him by Local Government Lazarus Pits to slowly increase parish tax rates almost imperceptibly over time. By adding just one percent here and two percent there, people don’t tend to notice how much they’re paying for a loaf of stale bread at the Dollar Store until it’s too late.
Riddle me this: What’s small and cramped, yet costs more each month than buying a new kidney off the black market? Blessed with an astounding intellect, the Rental Riddler uses his powers for evil by confusing landlords into vastly overestimating the value of the tiny efficiency apartments they try to convince us are actually luxury townhouses. Equally effective on trailers and standalone houses that are nearly falling apart, Rental Riddler has single-handedly tripled housing costs in certain parts of the Bayou State over the past few years.
Mostly harmless, this self-proclaimed “supervillain” runs around shouting, “ROLL TIDE!” every five seconds at the top of his lungs like some kind of enraged frat boy. In fact, he is an enraged frat boy, but despite his best efforts to upset the greatest college football team on the planet, he usually goes home sad and alone after every game against LSU. It’s almost enough to make you feel sorry for him, really. Almost.
WHO DAT BRAINIAC
Similar to the Crimson Skull, but with a superhuman intellect, this brilliant student of kinesiology has used advanced scientific formulas and learning machine algorithms to determine that the New Orleans Saints are, in fact, the best professional football team that has ever existed - which is entirely true. In fact, we wouldn’t even consider him a supervillain if he’d just stop shouting WHO DAT? into our hearing holes every time we make eye contact.
Any attempts by this agent of chaos to disrupt or otherwise cause mischief in the great state of Louisiana are, without fail, pale imitations of what we Louisianans get up to ourselves each and every day. He tries, though. Bless his heart.